AT's Famous Fanficks 12: The Free-For-All Paintball Brawl
by American Titan
Summary: Where to eat, where to eat? None of the Louds can agree upon which restaurant they want to eat at tonight! There's only one solution for this dilemma: a paintball battle, Loud House style! Fur is gonna fly in this crazy fight, for your right, to diiiiine out! (Or, in this case, PAINT is gonna fly!)


Author's Note: You musta thought I was a goner, eyyy? Well, you can't keep a good man down! (Or at least, a mediocre fanfic writer.) This idea of mine came to me waaaaay back at the beginning, while I was still writing my Fanficks on my own. The community was lauding a new story posted on the wiki, called "Painting The Town", by LoudHouseFanatic. I decided to check out the story for myself, and for the most part, I enjoyed it! That is, I enjoyed the idea more so than the execution. The Louds were plotted against each other, trying to duke it out through a good ol' paintball battle. However, I had felt that "Painting The Town" didn't do so well with character dialogue, humor, and story content. It seemed...basic. Almost as basic as an average Saintcoln story. Yick! I had the idea written down, and listed in an "upcoming fanfictions" blog during my solo writing tenure. However, as many of my adoring and beautiful fans know, my fourth entry into my main Fanficks series, called "The Black Rose", took out all of the energy I had in me for writing, and my personal, more comedic interpretation of "Painting The Town" got put on the back burner. That is, until a user named Muppetspot came along. From there, my passion for writing was reborn, and after quite a few collaboration stories, we finally dug deep into my Fanfick history to dig up this gem of an idea. This story, like many others from me, would not have been possible without him to collaborate with me on it, and to encourage me to keep working at it until completion. I present to you, a PROPER paintball Loud House story, if I do say so myself. -American Titan

It was another typical afternoon in the Loud House, where everyone was...relaxing and hugging each other?! Whaaaaat? The Loud House without chaos is a rare sight to see!

"Oh, it feels so calming to embrace the loving spirit of my ten sisters, my two parents, my aunt, and baby cousin!" Lincoln proudly proclaimed, as the family sings a verse of Kumbaya.

Aunt Ruth and her baby daughter, Lily, were staying the night over at the house. Everyone was gathered together in the living room.

"You said it, broham! Nothing like maxin' a chillaxin' session than hanging out with all the family!" Luna added.

The group came together once again for a group hug.

So cool, so calm, so collected…

...until the topic of where to dine out came up.

"Where do you guys want to eat dinner tonight?" Lynn Sr. asked.

Everyone's eyes popped open at the same time.

KA-BOOOOOOOM!

Their eyelids make quite the loud noise.

"Hey, didn't we say we were gonna rock it out all night at the Hard Rock Cafe, roadies?" Luna started.

"But it's closest to MY birthday! And IIIII wanted Rainforest Cafe!" Lana boldly defended her restaurant choice.

"I want to go where I decide on. Because, after all, I AM the main character!" Lincoln egotistically exclaimed.

"Where would that be? The run-down Burger King down the block?" Lana instigated. Lincoln frowned at her, whilst putting on cool-looking sunglass shades.

"How about we dwell in the eatery location, central to the highest-ranking college in the tristate area, to chow down on some oiled chicken corpses at Chick Fil-A, whilst I commence chatter with nearby college professors on breaking into the workforce, along with conversation with the local college boys? Eh, heh." Lisa addressed the group.

"I wanna go to Round 1!," Lexi exclaimed. "They just got this uber-hard video game imported from Japan, Groove Coaster 7! It's wicked awesome!"

"Lexi, you're just going to rage out when the game is too hard to play, and then you'll smash it to pieces." Lori pointed out. "Like, so embarrassing."

"It'll be fun while it lasts!" Lexi replied with an evil grin.

"I want to go to Hooters!," Leni exclaimed.

The entire family gave her a dirty look, besides Lynn Sr, who opened his eyes in excitement.

"What? I wanted to try the chicken wings!" Leni clarified.

They continued to stare Leni down.

"Fine, fine! McDonalds, sheesh!" she changed.

Lynn Sr sulked sadly back into his couch seat.

"What an 'unordinary' choice, Leni." Lucy said sarcastically.

"Eh, hee heeeee! Chuck Eeee Cheeeeese, eh heeeeeh!" Lily blurted out.

"Aren't we laying it heavy on the product placement, guys?" Lincoln asked.

"Haven't you guys heard of the totally chic new steak place in town, Ruth Chris Steakhouse? We could all have a gourmet night out on the town, strutting our fashion off." Lori dreamed.

"A STEAKHOUSE? Do you know how much money those things are, ya hippy?" Aunt Ruth whacked Lori in the head with her walking cane.

"Urgh, fine. I'll also be content with getting a mani-pedi at the local nail salon." Lori settled.

"You want to eat NAILS?!" Lana was confused. "Even I don't go to those extremes!"

"I want to go to Subway for a footlong meatball sub. Eat fresh!" Lynn exclaimed.

"Seriously, are we getting paid for this product placement?" Lincoln asked.

CHA-CHING!

No, but I am. :)

"Why am I not surprised?" Lincoln said sarcastically.

"How about Dickey's Last Resort? The waitresses always have one-liners to say and roasts to give. Plus it's family-friendly!" Luan chuckled.

"You kids and your expensive meals. Why not stick to the basics? Come over to my house tonight and I'll treat you youngins to a REAL dinner. Canned spinach and pudding, fresh outta the tin!" Aunt Ruth tried to compromise.

"EWWWWW!" everyone blurted out loud. They all knew that every food item in Aunt Ruth's house was loooooong out-of-date. Like, a few decades out of date.

Aunt Ruth gave them all a dirty look.

"We mean, err, yes, Aunt Ruth. What a...nice suggestion." Rita winced in cringe just thinking about it, but tried to keep a smile on her face.

"Yickie! Old moldy puddingyy!" Lily retorted.

"Lil's probably just tired of eating it every day. It builds character!" Aunt Ruth said.

"Builds poop barfies." Lily groaned, then blew a raspberry at Aunt Ruth.

"Also, finally, a public domain name for food that was used here. I think the writers have stopped selling out."

"How about a nice family-sized feast at Famous Dave's?" Rita asked.

"D'oh!" Too soon, Lincoln.

"Golden Corral would also be nice to feed everyone everything they wanted!" Lynn Sr pitched his frugal idea to the pack.

"Although Hooters would've been good, too, grumble grumble…" he whispered to himself.

"Well, I would like to eat at the Princess Palace," Lola exclaimed. "Beauty before age!"

"Beauty before quality of food." Lincoln added.

"Ok, ok, OK! So it seems that we aren't agreeing with anyone else on where to dine out tonight." Lori settled everyone down.

They all nodded in agreement.

"Well, how about we hold a contest right here, right now, to determine where we should eat tonight?" Lori suggested.

They all thought about this. A contest seemed like a good idea to determine what the winning restaurant should be.

"But what contest would we be holding? A football match?" Lynn asked.

"A standup contest?" Luan chimed in.

"A pants-off dance-off?" Luna said.

The family gave her a confusing look. Luna blushed in embarrassment.

"My bad." Luna wheezed.

"How about a Call Of Duty multiplayer match?" Lexi grinned in excitement.

Lincoln was pondering what he wanted to suggest to the group. Then, he got it.

"How about, a real life game of Call Of Duty?" Lincoln happily added in.

"A real life match-up of gunning my family down with REAL bullets? Count me out!" Lola shrieked.

"No, no! Not with the real weapons!" Lincoln quickly amended his comment.

Lincoln reaches deep into the couch cushion and pulls out a single paintball shot.

"With paint!" Lincoln sang.

"Ooooooooh!"

The family was interested.

"These paintballs are soft and won't hurt anyone, especially with how the paint inside is FDA approved and regulated." Rita said.

Lynn Sr perked up to this, too. His family's safety was of the utmost importance.

"Say, that's not a bad idea." he said, siding with his wife. "What do you kids think?"

"YEAH!" everyone cheered. Even Lily joined in the cheering.

"A capital idea!" Lisa chimed in.

"Aunt Ruth, would you be interested?" Lynn Sr asked his stepsister.

"Well, I haven't been able to walk straight in years, thanks to all these foot problems…"

Aunt Ruth stood up slowly.

"...but you should've seen all of the Nazis I gave the slip during my fighting days in World War 2!" Aunt Ruth happily boasted.

"I haven't held a gun in years, ever since I retired out of the army, but I had a BLAST back in my prime, ha haaaaa!"

"Good one, Aunt Ruth!" Luan applauded her sense of humor.

Aunt Ruth held her arms out, like there was an imaginary machine gun resting in her hands.

"Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boooooooom!" Aunt Ruth enacted a shooting scene out back from her youth.

"YEAH!" the kids cheered.

"Then it's settled! We'll get the paintball ammo and guns all set up in the backyard, while you guys get dressed in some clothes that you wouldn't mind getting a little...painted up tonight." Lynn Sr explained.

"Woo hoooooo! A shootout for the restaurant of the night!" Lynn jumped for joy.

"I am going to win this," Lincoln said slyly to the audience. "I am the main character, after all."

IN THE BACKYARD…

Lori, who had just opened the shed, stares into it in confusion. Lucy quietly walks up behind her.

"Where are all the paintball supplies for our fight?" Lucy suddenly speaks.

"GAAAH!" Lori jumped in fear.

"Geez Lucy, you should rent yourself as an alarm clock," Luan chuckled. "You scared the daylights out of Lori."

Lincoln peered into the shed, as well.

"Hmm. Lucy does have a point. Where are our paintball guns, and ammo?"

"Especially since we're in a fanfiction right now, these things should be plentiful and convenient!" Lynn grumbled.

"I thiiiink I mighta sold them," Leni said happily. "Tee hee!"

Everyone gives Leni a dirty look.

Just then, they could see a Subway van pulling up into the driveway. A spokeswoman got out of the van and walked over to the Louds to introduce herself.

"Allow me to introduce myself, children." the employee, named Amanda, said.

"Are you related to Greedy ExecutiveProducer?" Lincoln asked annoyed.

"Well, in a sense, yes. But I normally can't talk about the Subway higher-ups like that!" Amanda fake-smiled.

"Good thing Brittany isn't here," Lincoln whispered. "Or she would be getting hurt."

"Anyways, Subway has some good news for all of you! We heard about our prime sponsorship in this story and came over to give you all brand-new Nerf paintball guns, paintball bullets, and everything you need for the big game!"

"Heck yeah! I knew that Subway works magic!" Lynn cheered.

"Seriously, product placement again?" Lincoln groaned.

"Here you go, everyone, and remember: Eat Fresh!" Amanda squeed, as she walked back to the van.

"Well, that was extremely convenient." Lisa said.

"Alright, everyone! Get suited up for the game and be back out here by 5!" Lori announced to everyone.

"And get some clean underwear on too, ya shushkas!" Aunt Ruth shouted.

The whole group of participants: Aunt Ruth, Lily, Lisa, Lola, Lana, Lucy, Lynn, Luan, Luna, Leni, Lori, and Lincoln, all go into the house to get dressed up.

AT 5:15 PM…

Lola stumbles out of the house and joins the others, waiting for her. Everyone else got ready on time.

Lola says to everyone staring at her, "What? A PRINCESS has to toot in privacy!"

"I am so going to win this still," Lincoln stated.

"You're talking out loud with your thoughts again." Lucy told Lincoln.

"GEEEEZ! Gah, so stealthy!" Lincoln's heart froze for a second.

"Uuuuugh. Can we start the game already?" Lynn groaned. "This is taking forever."

You can't rush artistic writing, Lynn!

"SO, does everyone know the rules of paintball?" Lori announced to the group.

Leni raised her hand.

"Yes, Leni? A question?" Lori asked.

"So mayonnaise is an instrument, right?" Leni pondered.

Lori facepalmed.

"Okay! Does everyone EXCEPT Leni know how to play paintball?" Lori asked again.

"YEAH!" everyone shouted in unison.

"If, by chance, any paint touches any part of your bod, you're OUTTA here!" Lori explains.

She then presses a button on a buzzer.

BEEEEEEEEEP!

"Contestants who are shot with paint are eliminated, and they can no longer try to shoot the other surviving contestants with paint. And no entering the house to hide, either! That's cheating, which will get you disqualified." Lori added.

Leni then shoots herself.

"Oh! So THAT'S how the gun works!," Leni said. "Can I do it again?"

"No, no, Leni, you have to start shooting after we say go." Luna explained to her.

"Okay, let's try again!" Lori shouted.

"ON YOUR MARK…"

"GET SET…"

Leni shoots herself again.

"Yay! I win!" Leni cheers.

"LENI!" Lori shrieks.

She storms over to Leni, takes the paintball gun out of her hand, and molds Leni's stance and arm posture to be like an aiming soldier in battle. Then she places the gun back into her hand.

"I'm all suited up now!" Leni gleefully squeaks.

"Uy vey…" Lincoln shudders.

"Okay. So now that Leni is in an actually decent position to play the game, let's DO IT AGAIN." Lori takes it from the top.

"Third time's the charm," Luan giggles.

"ON YOUR MARK…"

"GET SET…"

Lori glances at Leni. She has not moved an inch outside of her battle stance.

"...GOOOOOO!"

Leni then shoots herself again, infuriating Lori.

"So when are we going to McDonalds?" Leni asks with a smug grin.

BEEEEEEEEEP!

For fun, everyone else aims their gun at Leni and rapid fires their bullets at her. She turns into a rainbow glob of paint goop.

"GOSH DARN IT!" Leni said.

Then, they head their separate ways, to hide in battle against their relatives.

"I, Lincoln Loud, will win this competition,"

Lincoln said smugly. "And nobody will defeat me."

Lisa, while overhearing Lincoln's banter, heads into the shed.

"Or so you make think, you incompetent fools!"

She then quickly enters a secret password into an oversized treasure chest at the back of the shed. She unlocks it, to reveal a giant mecha paintball-shooting robot inside.

"Audience, meet Picasso 9001!" Lisa laughs evilly.

Lisa jumps into the cockpit of the robot and turns Picasso 9001 on.

"Welcome, Lisa. What is your first command?" Picasso 9001 asked.

Lisa sees that Lily is hiding from the others in a corner of the shed.

"Eliminate the baby, stat!" Lisa commands.

The robot stomps over to Lily. Lily is playing with her paintball gun innocently. She doesn't know how to shoot with it.

Lisa sarcastically cooes from inside of the robot: "Why, helloooooooo, Lilyyyyyyyyyy!"

"Gah ga, dada! Hee heeeeeee!" Lily says back.

P-9001 aims the huge paintball gun, along with several cannons filled with actual liquid paint, at poor, sweet Lily.

Lily realizes the trouble that she's in. She forms innocent puppy eyes filled with watery tears to try to convince Lisa of keeping the peace.

"poo-poooooo?"

BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM

BEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Lily is stuck to the wall of the shed, as if she were entangled in a spider's web.

"evil poo-poo! hmph!" Lily said, upset.

Meanwhile, Lynn was developing her plan to win.

"Let's see here. What can I use to get someone on my side?"

She glances around the backyard and notices Lincoln hiding behind a tree, out of sight. He is having trouble reloading his bullets.

"Arrrgh! Come on, ya stupid marbles! This process needs to be easier, with my overpowered main character abilities and all!"

"A scrawny piece of meat, but he'll do." Lynn thought to herself.

Lynn walks up to Lincoln, after checking that her opponents were focused on other players, to come up to Lincoln behind the tree.

"Hey Lincoln, I was wondering if you want to team up?" Lynn asked sweetly.

"AAAAAHHHH! ENEMYYYYY! MUST REFILL AMMUNITION TO DESTROY, ERMMM, UMMMMMMM…" Lincoln quickly tried to get more bullets into the gun, but to no avail.

"I don't think you want to shoot me, Lincoln," Lynn said. "I have something to prevent you to."

Lincoln stopped frantically trying to reload. He could tell that Lynn wanted to talk.

"Oh, yeah. Which is?" Lincoln smugly asked.

"Your stuffed ragdoll rabbit!" Lynn answered.

DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUN!

"Noo!" Lincoln shrieked.

"You shoot me, and I'll coat Bun-Bun in a nice, new PAINT job!" Lynn smiled victoriously.

"You monster!" Lincoln called out at her.

"BUT, if you join me, as a tag team, we'll have twice the number of bullets that everyone else has. And I'll convince Mom and Dad to go to BOTH of our places to eat." Lynn explained.

She then took Lincoln's gun and successfully refilled his ammunition in a split second.

"So whaddya say, partner?" Lynn stuck out her hand

"Let's do it," Lincoln said. "For Bun Bun."

They exchanged a hand shake.

"Oh, and by the way, I spit in this hand before we shook." Lynn laughed.

"OH COME O-"

Meanwhile, Lori was patrolling the battlefield of a backyard, trying to keep nice and siiiilentttttt…

RING, RING, RING. RING, RING, RING.

Her phone started going off.

She fumbled with it and got it out of her pocket. She was about to smash the phone in half for blowing her cover, when she saw that Bobby was calling her. Lori's natural instincts couldn't ignore this urgent matter.

"Heyyy, Bobbyyyyyy!" Lori exchanged phone conversation, droning out her combat skills in favor of cooing to her bae.

"Hey, Lori, I called you because I think you sent the wrong package?" Bobby informed her.

"What package was that one again?"

"The candy you sent to me," Bobby said. "However, it's not candy."

"Aw, nuts! I knew that website listing seemed off." Lori pouted.

"No, no! It's fine! I enjoy the trail mix just as much! I'm even watching this new Animal Planet show as I munch on it!" Bobby tried to cheer her up.

"Really!" Lori perked up again. "What show on Animal Planet?"

"It's this interesting nature documentary. They don't make them like they used to! It's an old rerun." Bobby said.

"How nice, how niiiiiiice!" Lori cooed.

As Lori was twitterpated in love with her far-away boyfriend, Lana hid behind the bushes, with Lori in her sight.

Lana then sees us watching her and turns to us. She whispers in an Australian accent, "G'day! I'm Lana Irwin! Back at it with live nature, up close, and in person!"

"Today, I've got a mondo catch in my sights! The rare and ferocious predator of the deep jungle: a Yellowhair! Now, as this female Yellowhair is entranced by her toy, I need to give her a lil' tranquilizer before she snaps out of it. We just have to be veeeeeery quiettttttt. Shhhhhh…"

Lana then aims her paintball gun at Lori's butt and shoots it. It stains Lori's designer pants.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Lori felt the sting of the paintball hitting her butt.

"Eeeeeee-yowie!" Lori hollers.

"The call of the wild! We nabbed 'em!" Lana whispers in joy.

Slowly but surely, the pain of the bullet weakens Lori, and she collapses down onto the backyard lawn. Lana walks out of the bushes and goes over to examine her "catch".

"Now, there are several defining features of the Yellowhair. While we have one paralyzed, let's examine them."

Lana yanks Lori's lips open to show off her teeth.

"The biters of a natural Yellowhair tend to be very sharp, so as to rip apart meat flesh for their carnivorous appetites, and to assert dominance over others in the animalia kingdom."

Lana then takes a whiff of Lori's breath.

"Crikey! The foul, strong breath of the Yellowhair is known to confuse prey, to give the Yellowhairs more time to attack and kill. What a ripper!"

Lana then felt a tight grasp of her overall straps.

"You're doomed, Lana!" Lori said. "Once I get my hands on you after this!"

"Now normally, I would show off the fascinating rainbow claws of the beast, but I gotta run! Catch you nature freaks LATER, mates!" Lana signed off, before bolting away and leaving Lori with her overalls.

"Hah! I got your overalls, ya little shrimp!" Lori cried out in victory.

Meanwhile, Luan dashed into the shed and brought out several prank objects, modified to help her achieve success in the paintball match.

Aunt Ruth, disguised behind the human marble statue in the backyard, was the first to be noticed by Luan.

Luan called out, "Hey, Aunt Ruth! Nice pose!"

"Oy! Ya little schmendrick, I'm trying ta win here! Whaddya want?" Aunt Ruth said to her.

"Wel, I just found this beautiful flower in the backyard! It's a red rose! Why not give it a smell?" Luan asked, pointing to a rose flower head on her shirt.

"Oh, goody! Aromatherapy! And without havin ta pay for that expensive Lush schlock, too! Don't mind if I do, Luan!" Aunt Ruth complied.

Luan grinned when Aunt Ruth wasn't looking.

Aunt Ruth bent over to smell the rose on Luan's shirt, only to get pelted with a paintball, shot out of the fake prank rose that Luan was wearing.

"Gotcha!" Luan said gleefully.

"Ahh! My face!" Aunt Ruth said.

She tried to open her eyes to see but paint got into them.

"Ahh! My eyes!" Aunt Ruth said.

She then tried to go back into the house to wash the paint off but hit her head on the door, which hurt her brain.

"Ahh! My calculus knowledge!" Aunt Ruth said.

"Ahh! My back door!" Rita said, watching Aunt Ruth.

Ruth made a small dent in the door.

Rita opened up the door for Aunt Ruth, and Ruth stumbled over to the sink. On the way over, she knocks a potted flower down, shattering the pot and soil on the floor.

"Ahh! My begonia!" Aunt Ruth said.

Aunt Ruth accidentally slams a nearby radio with her hands, turning it on. The Knack comes on the radio.

"Ahh! My Sharona!" Aunt Ruth said.

Aunt Ruth turns a nearby TV on accidentally, which is showing a home recording of Rita's wedding to Lynn Sr.

Aunt Ruth finally gets to the kitchen sink and washed the paint off. She is then able to see again, as she turns her attention towards the TV.

"Marry me, baby." Lynn Sr says to Rita during the marriage tape.

"Ahh, my sister's ugly boyfriend! Ahh, my eyes again!" Aunt Ruth said.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Meanwhile, Lana was safely hidden, under the house, in the dark shadows.

She could see Lori storming across the front lawn, right in front of her hiding spot.

"Hmmmmm, now where is that runt?" Lori pounded her fists together.

Lana gulped.

"Hmmmmmm…" Lori said out loud. "She's probably chickening out from the fight in her bedroom without her overalls."

Lori stomped into the house.

"Once I find her hiding in here, she's disqualified!"

Lana sighed in relief. She then peeked out of her hiding spot, onto the front lawn.

"Well, well, Miss Yellowhair, I guess since you got owned by my wicked paintball skills, AND entered the house, I guess that makes you DOUBLE disqualified!" Lana said to herself.

Lexi ran up to Lana with something urgent to tell her. She was sporting a paintball gun modeled after the ones from the Big Buck Hunter arcade game.

"Hey Lana...where's your overalls?"

"Erm, it's a long story, Lex. But anyways, say yer goodbyes." Lana aimed the paintball gun at her chest.

"No, wait! Don't shoot! Errr…...LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker!" Lexi pointed behind Lana.

"Ooh! Where?" Lana looked behind her into the sky.

Lexi aimed her paintball gun at the rare, yellow bellied sapsucker bird, and shot it. It was shocked in pure fear, and fell to the ground, unconscious.

(Author's Note: No rare species of birds were killed in the production of this fanfiction.)

"Oh, wow, Lexi! You really nailed a big bugger!" Lana got back into her Australian accent.

Lana ran over to the bird to examine some of its features for her captivated audience.

"Now, the yellow bellied sapsucker has several features to it that have caused its rarity in the wild to skyrocket. This is one of the only chances we have to see one in the flesh! Let's take a look, shall we?" Lana started off.

"The first feature is its beak. Sharp and pointy, the sapsucker prefers to pierce its beak into medium-sized flowers to feed off of their nectar. It's one of the only foods that they can eat. Along with this, the beak acts as a defense mechanism, to injure potential predators that anger the sapsucker."

Lana bends down and turns her back to Lexi.

"And here, if we take a look at its feet…"

BLAM!

Lexi shot Lana's cap off with a paintball, splattering half of the bullet all over Lana's hair.

Lexi victoriously blew off some of the smoke that was coming out of the guntip, like a Western sheriff.

"Aw, man, Lexi! I was just getting to the good part!" Lana complained.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Meanwhile, Lincoln and Lynn were scouting across the front lawn, to see if anyone was out in the open.

"Remember, Linc, slow and stealthy wins the paintball fight." Lynn whispered to him as they hid behind a bush.

"Of course. The classic…..paintball-related quote?" Lincoln thought to himself.

Lynn Sr walked out of the house with a full garbage bag from the kitchen. He was going out to the side of the house to throw the garbage into the trash bin outside.

"FIRE!" Lynn shouted.

Lynn quickly start to shoot at Lynn Sr.

"EEEEE-YAAAAAAAAH!" Lincoln jumped out of the bush into battle position, and started to rapid-fire his paintball gun at his father, soaking his shirt in paint.

"My brand new Abercrombie shirt! Ruined forever!" Lynn Sr cried out.

Lincoln realized that he was shooting at someone who wasn't participating in the game.

"Errrrrr, oopsieeeeee." Lincoln said clumsily.

"LINCOOOOOOOOLN!" Lynn Sr shouted.

Lincoln and Lynn dashed away from the crime scene.

"Sorry Lincoln," Lynn stated quite embarrassed.

"Urgh, it's fine, I guess." Lincoln rubbed his neck while panting.

"We need a new team battle strategy. Especially with someone on our team that's a bit too trigger-happy."

"Good point, Lynn! We should start by making fine-detailed blueprints of our next atta-..." Lincoln paused.

"Waiiiiiiit, whaddya mean, 'trigger-happy'?"

"Well, yeah, you're the rapid gunner that ruined Dad's shirt." Lynn said innocently

"Wha? You're putting the blame on me? You called me out from the bushes to ambush Dad in the first place!"

"Are you calling me a LIAR? I never LIE!" Lynn pointed her paintball gun at Lincoln.

"You're been lying to yourself about winning this here paintball battle since it started!" Lincoln pointed his gun at Lynn.

Both of them then, simultaneously, thought to themselves that they should attack the other player with the element of surprise. Then, once they shoot the other, they'll dash away faster than a jackrabbit running on cocaine.

"Aww! I can't stay mad at you, Lynn! You're my dearest sister, after all!" Lincoln said, in a fake sweet accent.

"Oh, NO, kindest brother to my heart! Why, without you, we would have NEVER gotten this far in the competition!" Lynn cooed back, while giving a fake grin.

Lincoln stuck his hand out towards Lynn.

"Truce, partner?"

Lynn produced fake crocodile tears.

"Truce!"

They each shook hands on it. Lynn secretly spat in her hand again for the handshake, and while Lincoln did notice, he pretended not to care about it. She'll be eliminated in the blink of an eye, Lincoln thought to himself.

It looked like such a peaceful handshake.

Then they both secretly had their other hands, reached behind their backs, grasping onto their paintball guns.

They both got back into battle position in a millisecond, aiming their gun at the opposing member.

"SIKE!" they both shouted at the same time.

"Wait, don't shoot!" they both shouted.

PO-POOOM!

They both shot.

And both were eliminated right then and there.

"DANG IT!" they both said in tandem.

"Oh, SHUT UP!" they both said to each other.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Morons," Lisa said from a distance.

As Lisa thirsts for narrator attention, we then shift our focus to Lola.

"HEY! I haven't had any lines for quite a while! Why don't IIIIIIIIIIII get the focus now?" Lisa complained.

…..

As I was saying, we shift our focus to Lola, who is innocently prancing across the lawn, without a care in the world. Not the best attitude for a paintball battle, if I do say so myself.

"Tra la laaaaa!" Lola sang out, imitating Captain Underpants.

"Oh, yeah, Lola! Sing me a nice BEAT!" Luna sarcastically called out to her.

Lola paused her girly frolicking.

Lola saw that Luna had an invention of her own in her hand. An electric guitar looking device, that appeared to have some paintball bullets stored inside.

"And, by chance, what do you want me FOR, Luna?" Lola pondered.

Luna plugged her guitar into a speaker, which amplified the sound of the guitar.

"To eat my DUST!" Luna strummed the guitar. Each strum of the instrument caused a paintball to shoot out of the modified guitar.

The paintball headed straight towards Lola.

"LIMBOOOOOO!" Lola ducked in a split second, dodging the bullet.

"Ohhhhh, so you wanna do it the hard way, huh?" Luna grinned.

She pulled up a piece of sheet music and set it on top of the speaker, so she could play it with her instrument.

Lola was ready. No one disrupts HER fun times, and gets away with it.

"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor…" Luna whispered.

"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the…"

*drum solo*

"FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!" Luna started playing the guitar like a madman to keep the beat of the heavy metal song. Paintballs were flying out from all over the place.

Lola was using ballerina dance moves to dodge every one of them.

Luna continued to belt out the lyrics.

"Beeeeeeeeaten, whyyyyyy forrrrrrrrr…"

"Caaaaaaan't take, muuuuch moooooooore."

Lola was starting to sweat.

"One, nothing wrong with me, Two, nothing wrong with me, Three, nothing wrong with me, Four, nothing wrong with me!"

"One, something's got to give, Two, something's got to give…"

Lola was starting to get slower and slower. She couldn't keep up.

"...Three, something's GOT TO GIVE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

"LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE-"

Luna suddenly stopped the music.

"Huh?"

The guitar ran out of bullets.

"NOO! Is this thing jammed?!" Luna panicked.

Lola, sweating on the ground, smiled. She still hadn't gotten hit by a single paintball. Lola slowly started walking towards Luna

"It can't be!" Luna started slamming her hand on all of the guitar strings, but no more paintballs shot out of it.

Lola was now standing right next to Luna. Heavily panting, she had a spare paintball bullet that she was holding in her hand.

"Errrm…...no hard feelings, right, Lola? Eh heh." Luna smiled.

Lola threw the paintball onto Luna's shoe. It exploded onto her fashionable footwear.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Suddenly, a lone paintball bullet fell out from Luna's guitar, exploding onto her other shoe.

"Double dang it!" Luna shouted.

Meanwhile, Lisa was testing out target practice with Picasso-9001.

"Finally, you get to ME!" Lisa said. "As if being absent in the other fanfics wasn't bad enough!"

Well, aren't you Little Miss Attention.

"But, enough about the narrator! Picasso, aim at the center of the target I painted into that tree!" Lisa commanded.

Boriiiiiiiing.

"Hey! You didn't say that about Aunt Ruth's torture scene!" Lisa complained!

To be honest, I kind of liked that scene. Quite entertaining.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Unlike you.

"Silence, insignificant HUMAN!" Lisa barked at me.

I kill you.

"Picasso! Target! NOOOOOOW!" Lisa ordered.

Picasso aimed his paintball arm cannon at the tree, right on target.

"FIRE!" Lisa shouted.

Lynn Sr ran out of the house with a burning meatloaf and a fire extinguisher.

"GAAAAAH! I knew I left my signature meatloaf in the oven for too long!" Lynn Sr worried.

Picasso-9001 watched from afar. He transformed his paintball cannon into a water hose cannon, to try to help Lynn Sr out.

"Not THAT fire, you dimwitted duncebot! The TREE!" Lisa got Picasso's attention back on track.

"Affirmative, ma'am. Siiiiiigh." P-9001 replied.

He aimed the paintball cannon perfectly at the target, again, and fired. It hit dead center.

Instead of focusing on how good P-9001 was aiming, Lisa decided to continue to pick apart his faults.

"Did you just express EMOTIONS to me, BUB?" Lisa noticed.

"Affirmative." P-9001 replied.

"Well, we have NO time for what YOUR stupid butt wants, when we have a BATTLE to win!" Lisa tried to set him straight.

"Hey. Management unit in central control cavity is expressing disinterest in Picasso Nine Zero Zero One." P-9001 shouted. "Response, negative."

"Don't care." Lisa quickly replied.

"Now, my slave, I see Luan at the exact coordinates of 73.564 latitude and 26.439 longitude. But I need to get closer to get a better aim at her. So MARCH over there!" Lisa commanded.

Picasso-9001 did not move an inch.

"Ahem. MMMMMARCH!" Lisa commanded again.

Picasso-9001 still did not budge.

"What's wrong NOW, you tin-can hunk of junk?" Lisa asked.

"Creator is expressing depressing emotions towards Picasso Nine Zero Zero One. Internal CPU units cannot process anger. Please try again later." P-9001 replied to her.

"WHAAAAAAT?!" Lisa yelled.

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One is in depressed emotional state, as of current time. Picasso Nine Zero Zero One feels need for...recontemplation of life."

"I...have no idea what you're trying to say." Lisa shook her head.

"What is...Picasso Nine Zero Zero One's purpose of invention and patent, creator?" P-9001 posed an existential question.

"You were made so I can win a paintball battle." Lisa dully explained.

P-9001 realized that he would become null, void, and useless after this one game of family paintball.

"Oh, god." P-9001 said.

"Yeah, welcome to the club, pal. Now, MARCH!" Lisa got back into control.

Or at least, she attempted to.

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One requires stress relief." P-9001 walked towards the corner of the backyard to seclude himself from the other soldiers on the paintball field.

"What? No, no, NOOOO! Walk towards Luan THAT way! WALK THAT WAY!" Lisa commanded.

Picasso-9001 played back an audio clip that Lisa said a few seconds ago.

"No, no, NOOOO!" P-9001 played out of his audio speakers.

"Urgh!" Lisa yelled.

P-9001 slouched down into the corner of the backyard, kneeled down, and hid his face into his arms.

"Sob. Sob. Cry. Sob." Picasso-9001 cried, using his speech-to-text voice program.

Luan noticed all of the commotion that Lisa was going through with Picasso-9001. She then got an idea.

"This is going to be funny!"

Luan dashed into the shed and brought out an old, wooden lemonade stand that she used to sell lemonade from when she was younger. She set up shop right next to Picasso 9001 and Lisa.

Grinning, Luan asked, "What's the frown for, ol' chum?"

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One not being treated as equal. Picasso Nine Zero Zero One needs to find new meaning for his metallic structure. Picasso Nine Zero Zero One now inspires to be greatest artist in universe."

"Picasso, I built you to destroy my siblings at paintball, NOT TO HAVE CHITTY CHAT WITH EM!" Lisa shouted. "SHOOT LUAN!"

"So, what art have you been practicing? Are you just starting off?" Luan crossed her arms on the wooden stand and listened in to Picasso 9001.

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One has been upgrading artistic skills and levels since one seconds ago. Here is picture for you."

P-9001 printed out a picture from his stomach. It was a painted caricature of Luan. He handed the art piece to her.

"Awwww! That's so sweet!" Luan complimented Picasso 9001.

"If you don't start moving out of this corner, we're going to be noticed by the others more QUICKLY!" Lisa sternly noted from inside the robot.

"So, Robot with the really long name, can you do splatter art?" Luan asked. "Lisa loves it."

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One does not compute the definition of 'splatter art'. Define the term 'splatter art'."

Luan poured a quart of yellow paint into a cup under the stand. The paint was the exact color of lemonade. No one could tell the difference, unless they're a super genius.

"Well, you see this glass of lemonade?" Luan asked P-9001.

"Affirmative." Picasso replied.

"Well, if you splatter this lemonade all over your torso, that's kind of like the first step to splatter art! Wild paint blotches across a blank canvas! It's a beautiful sight. You really must try it out." Luan explained.

"Picasso, NO! That's not lemonade! It's paint!" Lisa gasped.

Lisa then whispered to the audience, "And my supergenius brain should know."

Turning back towards P-9001, she continued, "If you dare put a drop of that paint anywhere on yourself, kiss your butt GOODBYE!" Lisa sinisterly attempted to dominate over her robot.

But was it really hers?

Picasso briefly paused. He was in deep thought.

"Picasso? Picasso, LISTEN TO ME." Lisa was starting to sweat.

Picasso dumped the entire cup of yellow paint all over his robotic torso.

"WHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Lisa cried.

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One has purpose in life now!" He was happy.

"Looking good, robo-man!" Luan complimented his new fashion style.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Meanwhile, we cut back to Luan. Or in other words, we continue on with Luan's story, because that's who we were just focusing on a few seconds ago.

A mysterious shadow sets up a bucket full of paint above the shed door, along with a hook, that would give the unfortunate prank victim a nasty wedgie.

"That was my absolute best prank in this paintball competition! I can't believe that actually worked!" Luan thought to herself, as she walked away from Lisa (who was struggling to escape from inside of Picasso 9001. He purposefully locked the cockpit doors on her as he doused himself in different buckets of paint.)

"Now I just need to bring this lemonade stand back into the shed, and I'll continue to paint the other challengers into submission! Hah!" Luan giggled.

Not realizing the prank set up at the shed, she opened the shed door, only to have the bucket full of red paint fall on top of her head.

"AAAAHHHH!" Luan screeched.

The hook got ahold of her pants, too. The hook retracted up towards the ceiling of the shed, ripping out a yellow pair of underwear from underneath…

...then another, red pair of undies…

...followed by a green pair of undies…

...and then...oh, come on, Luan? You've got four pairs of panties on?

"It's part of a magical act. Heh, heh…" Luan took note.

...then her yellow socks came off from her feet alongside her white undershirt, as her fourth, blue pair of undies got yanked up the hook, giving her an atomic wedgie.

"YEEEEEEEE-HOWWW!" Luan winced in pain.

She fell for one of her contestant's dirty pranks, hook, line, and sinker.

"They're all going to LAUGH at me!" Luan screamed out loud, embarrassed. "Why did the hook take away all four of me undergarments?"

And socks.

"And socks!"

And undershirt.

"Oh, stop rubbing it in!"

Luan then looked over at Lily, who was still stuck to the spider web of paint on the shed wall. She blew a raspberry at Luan to tease her.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

This is it, folks. We're down to our last two paintball fighters of the evening. Lola, versus Lexi. Who will take home the gold? Who will be the winner winner of the chicken dinner?

Lola, who was now put into her place thanks to Luna's attack on her, was armed and ready to blast away at whomever dared to take her rightful restaurant choice away from her.

Lexi was hiding in stealth behind a fence plank, like those hunter characters in the Duck Dynasty video game, sneaking up on her prey.

Lola crept towards the backyard from the front yard. She needed to pass the fence area to do so.

She tried to remain completely quiet.

Tiptoeing…

tiptoeiiiiiing…

"GOTCHA!" Lexi shrieked.

"Hahaa, you're going to be SO soaked once I use my MEGA ACTION BLASTER on ya!" Lexi taunted to Lola.

"EEEEEEP!" Lola tried reaching and fumbling for her gun.

Lexi, with a big grin on her face, pulled the rapid fire trigger, AND-

She ran out of bullets.

"WHAT? NO!" Lexi was flabbergasted.

She was frantically digging through her pockets, desperately trying to find more bullets.

"Bullets, bullets, OH, WHERE'S THE PAINTBALL SUPPLIES LADY WHEN YA NEED HER?"

Lexi stopped dead in her tracks. Lola was pointing her paintball gun right at Lexi's head.

Lexi put her arms up in the air.

"Woah, Lola! That's a pretty close range for a paintball gun! Why, you could hurt someone at that distance!" Lexi was trying to step back, away from the gun, but Lola was walking towards her, so that Lexi couldn't get away.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Fatty McFatFat." Lola quietly said.

"...Huh?"

Even with first grade vocabulary, Lexi wasn't expecting Lola to be taking the paintball game so...seriously. It surprised Lexi.

"Lola, it's just a game! Okay? You don't need to be this crass!" Lexi tried reasoning with her.

Lola wasn't taking it. She kept walking closer and closer to Lexi, until she cornered her against the outside wall of the house.

"You must think you're the bulls-eye champion with that EMPTY gun, don't you?" Lola sinisterly smiled at Lexi.

Lexi was legitimately scared.

"Well, here's the deal, BUSTER. I haven't been to my princess restaurant for my ENTIRE LIFE! And by golly, I think it's high time that I get what IIIII want around here." Lola chuckled.

"You...you've gone too far, Lola." Lexi pressed up against the wall of the house in fear.

"Oh, this was my strategy the entire time. I saved the UGLIEST, MOST UNFIT fighter for LAST, as I sat back and watched all those other IDIOTS shoot themselves with paint. I didn't even need to do anything at all! Unless you count my ballet dancing, which destroyed Miss Off Her Meds PUNK ROCKER over there!"

Lola pointed to Luna, who was trying to rub the paint off of her boots with a wet dish rag.

"Aw maaaan, this stuff is really sticking!" Luna sighed.

"You're...you're a monster." Lexi told Lola.

"You THINK?!" Lola clicked the paintball gun. Lexi whimpered for help.

"Now, once I finish you off, everyone will go to the Princess Palace at my command. And I'll order the delicious, expensive, Prime Minister's Prime Rib And Lobster Feast! And knowing Dad's dinner budgets, that will leave all of you pathetic slaves to dine on mere bread and water for the evening. It's my way or the HIGHWAY!" Lola explained her diabolical plan.

Lola began to laugh like a villain.

"Mua ha, HA ha, HAA ha ha ha HAAAAAAAA!" Lola belted out.

Just then, Lexi noticed something on the back of Lola's dress.

"Umm, Lola?" Lexi interrupted.

Lola stopped laughing due to Lexi butting in to her celebration laugh.

"WHADDYA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" Lola yelled at her.

"There's a paintball stain on the side of your dress," Lexi explained.

Lola looked to the side of her dress. There was a paintball stain on the side of it.

"What?" Lola was shocked.

She turned her neck and grabbed some of her dress from her back side, so she could see it more clearly.

There was a huge paintball splotch, spread across the entire back of her dress.

"WHAAAAT!" Lola's jaw dropped open.

Lucy popped out of the backyard tree.

"I got you so good, Lola." Lucy exclaimed. "You fell for that as easily as Luan fell for my pro-bucket prank."

"GAAAH! LUCY!" Lola was ticked off.

Even the extremely intelligent narrators of this story forgot about Lucy. She never got eliminated!

"I'm a certified hide-and-seek expert." Lucy winked.

"Well, it doesn't matter! I'm still going to shoot Lexi right in the noggin, and she'll see how SHE likes being splattered in paint goop!"

"Err, technically, Lola…"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"...you can't shoot anyone if you're out." Lexi clarified.

"Against the rules." Lucy added.

Lola realized that she wouldn't be able to get her revenge. Or her delicious Princess Palace meal. She dropped her paintball gun onto the ground in defeat.

"No...it's all gone…" Lola quietly whispered.

She then broke out into tears.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOO! IT CANNOT BE! THIS IS A BETRAYAL!"

Lexi picked up the gun in the middle of her sobs and shot her right in the head with a paintball bullet.

"Owwww!" Lola whined.

"Now THAT'S a betrayal!" Lexi fist-bumped herself victoriously.

"Hurts, doesn't it?" Lucy teased, and stuck out her tongue

"So, it's just us two now." Lexi stated, looking at Lucy.

"Eeeeee-yeparoo." Lucy replied.

"Hmmm…" Lexi was thinking to herself on what to do to peacefully decide the winner of the game, without resorting to painful, and sticky, paintball-related activities.

"Want me to have my restaurant first then you can have the next time?" Lexi asked to Lucy.

"Better ask Mom and Dad first." Lucy told Lexi.

"We say yes." Rita and Lynn Sr opened the backyard house door and revealed themselves after all of the paintball flinging ceased. "Congratulations to our two winners!"

The rest of the siblings came out of the house, too, and cheered for Lucy and Lexi. All except for Luan (who was still hanging on the hook), Lisa (who was still sour, and stuck inside of Picasso 9001), and Lola (who was still curled up into a ball, crying like a baby).

"Dad, why is your shirt covered in paint?" Lucy asked.

"The dynamic duo here permanently wrecked my best shirt." Lynn Sr pointed to Lincoln and Lynn, who blushed.

"Luckily, they'll be able to pay me back the entire $69 dollars I spent on it through working at that theme park nearby, working as walkaround character mascots."

"Oh god, not THAT job again! It's like the place where Meat Bowl trapped me and Brittany." Lincoln fainted.

"Lincoln? Can I still paint Bun Bun?" Lynn asked Lincoln. "Because you made me lose."

"You made me lose, Lynn. Now let me lay on these hard concrete stairs in peace." Lincoln told her.

"You know that the grass is an option, too, idiot." Lynn said. "Say, where's Luan, and Lily?"

Luan shouted from the shed, "Hello? Anybody? I need some new pants?"

And underwear.

"And underwear."

And…

"Alright, the reader gets it!"

"Welp, there's Luan." Lori pointed to the shed.

"I'll get the hook cutter." Lana ran into the storage room.

"So, Lucy, Lexi, where do you guys wanna go eat tonight?" Lynn Sr asked the two.

"I'll let Lexi get her pick tonight, and then I'll go to my place tomorrow. Besides, tomorrow night, they have 50 cent chicken wings. Mmmmm." Lucy insisted.

"Thanks, Lucy! Alright, everyone, it looks like we're headed off to Round 1!" Lexi signaled everyone to Vanzilla.

"Yeah!" everyone except for Lola cheered.

Speaking of Lola, she was still crying below the backyard door stairs, against the wall of the house where she once had Lexi cornered, in the midst of the battle.

"Lola? What's wrong, sweetie?" Rita asked her.

"Sweetie? She nearly tried to psychologically scar me!" Lexi complained.

Lola, through muffled sobs, said, "I'm just s-so sad that I-I can't get my, sniffle, my Princess Palace dinner toniiiight!" She continued sobbing.

Lexi felt kind of bad now for choosing to go to Round 1.

Lola asked for Lexi to come closer to her. Against her will, Lexi sighed and walked over to Lola. Lola gave Lexi a big hug, as an apology.

"Lexi, it would, blows nose into tissue, mean so much to m-me if I could go to, sob, Princess Palace in place of Round 1. I know it's a-asking a lot, but it would be so kind of you, if you could do it, sniff, just this once for me." Lola said.

Lexi was conflicted. She didn't know what to do.

"Lola, I love you very much as a sister…" Lexi said to her.

Lola's eyes widened up.

"...and I forgive you…" Lexi continued.

"...so, therefore, I choose…"

We then cut to Round 1, a noisy arcade with a lackluster snack center. The Loud family is seated at a big snack bar booth, chowing down on some pizza, hamburgers and ice cream.

"Wow, Lexi, this was a great choice for dinner! The entire family is loving it!" Rita complimented Lexi's choice.

"Why, thank you, thank you!" Lexi smiled.

"Even my rebellious robot likes it!" Lisa said from inside of Picasso 9001.

"Picasso Nine Zero Zero One enjoys taste of the pizza slice unit." He inserted a pizza slice into his stomach hole to eat it. He then took his drink of lemonade and splashed it all across his body.

"Hey, Picasso, old buddy, any way I could get a slice of pizza? I've been starving all day, heh." Lisa asked him politely.

Picasso was short-circuiting due to the lemonade that he poured onto himself. Lisa was still locked inside of the cockpit.

"...Picasso?" Lisa started to fret. Everyone at the table laughed at poor Lisa.

Everyone, except for grumpy, little Lola.

"This sucks! Just like how Lexi sucks!" Lola said while crying and pouting.

"Hey, I needed to get you back for that Fatty McFatFat line somehow!" Lexi grinned.

"Lola, grow a pair. I'm not complaining about this, and I'm the main character who lost!" Lincoln said. "Ah well, at least Bun Bun is okay."

"Umm, sure he is!" Lynn told Lincoln. "Sure he is…"

"Lynn? What did you do to Bun-Bun?" Lincoln shouted.

Lynn grinned to herself.

At home, Aunt Ruth was the only one who didn't get to go to the dinner, because she was sprayed with paint in the face again by Lynn, with the squirting flower that Luan had in battle. Lynn left Aunt Ruth stuck in Lincoln's bedroom, with open paint buckets spread across the room, filled with paint.

We can see that Bun Bun has been doused with paint, due to Aunt Ruth's clumsiness.

"Ahh! My clothes dresser! Ahh! My duodenum! Ahh! My comic book collection! Wait a minute, I don't own a comic collection…..Ahh! My underwear!"

"Geez, I really am having No Such Luck today." Lincoln said, defeated.

THE END


End file.
